Philosophical. Right.
"Hey," I told myself (and the world): "I've had scripts not get made before. And I've had more than my share of scripts that did. It's all part of the game. The roller coaster. The theater of life. I can take it. No big deal."
So why was my wife holding me last night while I sobbed like an insane person for half an hour? The last time I cried that hard was six years ago when my 12 year old son (now the Bach-playing freshman in college) had been kicked out of middle school for pot for the second time and every other word out of his mouth was 'fuck you' and he was a little bursting ball of rage and we were trying to decide whether to send him away to one of Those Places. This movie not getting picked up didn't feel like it was anywhere near that league. But the fact is sometimes you can't write a script, you can't summon all the blood and passion it takes to actually get the thing down on the page, and not weave your heart into every page of it. There are scripts I've seen go away without a thought. So I should be glad that this wasn't one of them. Well, there I go, trying to be philosophical about the loss again. But last night as I whooped so loud I had to put my face in the pillow so I wouldn't freak out the neighbors, Aristotle I was not.
The good news about a big cry like that is that it does the job it's supposed to do. So now I can say, with a little more honesty, I hope: onward!
So why was my wife holding me last night while I sobbed like an insane person for half an hour? The last time I cried that hard was six years ago when my 12 year old son (now the Bach-playing freshman in college) had been kicked out of middle school for pot for the second time and every other word out of his mouth was 'fuck you' and he was a little bursting ball of rage and we were trying to decide whether to send him away to one of Those Places. This movie not getting picked up didn't feel like it was anywhere near that league. But the fact is sometimes you can't write a script, you can't summon all the blood and passion it takes to actually get the thing down on the page, and not weave your heart into every page of it. There are scripts I've seen go away without a thought. So I should be glad that this wasn't one of them. Well, there I go, trying to be philosophical about the loss again. But last night as I whooped so loud I had to put my face in the pillow so I wouldn't freak out the neighbors, Aristotle I was not.
The good news about a big cry like that is that it does the job it's supposed to do. So now I can say, with a little more honesty, I hope: onward!
posted by Tom at 11:56 PM
3 Comments:
Tom,
Thanks for getting honest with us about your true reaction to the rejection. The bravado you previously displayed was quite impressive but not entirely in keeping with someone who is still trying to deal with feelings he had growing up as a wimp.
I believe you cried because: 1) you are human, 2) it felt bad, 3)
it felt REALLY REALLY REALLY bad, (make way for approaching armchair psychologizing) like it feels when you are reminded of how bad something felt when you were a kid and then it gets worse because you can't believe at your age and stage you are still feeling that way. Or maybe as you suggested it was just being reminded of how if felt the last time something into which you put your heart and soul said "Fuck you" instead of immediately succeeding.
Regardless, it's really cool how your wife knew you weren't the brave, tough guy from the very beginning which she showed by cooking your favorite food for you the other day.
One observation. You are being honest with us about your reaction. That's progress. But you still haven't told us how it felt. You maybe, sort of implied how it felt. And you told us the last time you reacted this way. But you didn't directly talk about your feelings. If that's because you don't want to, then OK. If not, then maybe the reason deserves some examination.
Again, please pardon the pop psychologizing.
My theme for this week is "surrender." I'm trying to surrender reponsibility for the outcome - of any and everything - to my higher power. And it ain't easy.
My gut tells me that your movie will be playing Bach before you know it.
Have a great day.
Flip
Tom,
Thanks for sharing this moment. I've attended Writers Guild meetings and workshops my whole life and no one has ever admitted to the heartbreak caused when our "children" are abandoned by the Powers That Be. I thought it was just me that got upset!
Bill
Bill: I've probably seen you at those meetings...
Flip: Interesting that you say I left out my feelings--they seemed so obvious to me--but you're right, I did leave them out. In order of importance, I think the feelings in operation at the moment were fear, fear and fear.
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