More of the Other Side of the Story
My sponsor has wisely given me a deadline on the 4th Step, so: back into the water, back into getting those resentments on the run. What was my part in the two incidents in which my wife followed up an exceptionally nice romantic/sexual moment with a royal fit of unyielding irritability? This is a tough one because on some level I feel like she really did do that in those instances, and didn't have to. But that's her inventory, not mine, so: I'm looking at what I did wrong in those cases. At those times when my wife really lets go, gives herself over to physical abandon, drops her inhibitions, she becomes, understandably, extremely vulnerable, and that vulnerability doesn't go away right away. For me, being a, you know, guy, there's a great feeling of love, release, oneness and elation and then--what's for breakfast? Looking back at those romantic hotel rooms in Idaho '01 and Utah '04 I know that I was full of excitement for what the day ahead might bring--we were in great travel destinations both times--and didn't take into account my wife's vulnerability, and where she was left by how fully she had exposed herself. She needed protection, reassurance, she needed me to say that I loved her and that she was safe--and while I thought I was expressing that in my happiness at sharing the day ahead with her--I wasn't. So she reacted the way people react when they're hurt. And I only reacted back in a defensive manner. I didn't trust that my wife is actually is a sane and loving person, and so I didn't take the trouble to read the deeper cues.
I sure as hell hope that's a lesson I've learned by now.
You know, until I started writing this I wasn't really sure what my side of this one was going to be? Right here before me, the miracle of the act of writing something down.
I sure as hell hope that's a lesson I've learned by now.
You know, until I started writing this I wasn't really sure what my side of this one was going to be? Right here before me, the miracle of the act of writing something down.
posted by Tom at 1:06 PM
5 Comments:
Hi Tom,
As I try to repair some of the damage I have done to my wife and our relationship, I often think of the part of the prayer of St. Francis where it says, "Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved."
It appears that you are trying to do the same thing in examining your relationship with your wife. The one question that stands out in my mind is how this might apply to the abuse she suffered at the hands of her older brother. I wonder how much of her sometimes baffling behavior during times of intimacy stems from those experiences. I know you have tried to help her get help in this area, but perhaps there is more you could do as you gain a better understanding of yourself through your program.
I may be very off track here.
Hope all is well.
Flip
Flip,
When it comes to the issue of my wife's childhood and what she is or isn't carrying with her through life, at this point--at least for today--I have to look to the serenity prayer and say: this one falls on the side of serenity to accept what I can not change rather than courage to change what I can. As you know, I've tried on my own and I've tried in couples therapy to reach out to her on this issue and she isn't open to it. She doesn't get angry anymore, she just laughs at how crazy it is that I keep coming back to that. If there's a way to help her, I haven't found it, and given that it's the inside of her skull we're talking about, not mine, there's always the possibility that I'm wrong anyway. The bottom line is: it's her inventory, not mine. So all I can do is make sure that in my actions I'm helping and not harming.
Thanks for the St. Francis prayer--very beautiful.
Hi Tom,
OK, not "may be off track," I "am completely off track." You are right on track.
Thanks for setting me straight and for helping me clarify my thinking in this area, too. I have been pondering a similar circumstance in my life and but for your thoughtful answer to my comment I just might have taken that dangerous walk away from my side of the street over to someone else's.
It is a great reminder that I've got a lot more mess to clean up over here and even then just keeping it clean will be a more-than-full-time job.
Have a great day!
My husband is textbook Al-anon, he's never attended a meeting, and he probably never will. I've put him through hell, and I know it, and sometimes I wish he'd just find someone more worthy.
Dear Anonymous:
I don't know, it seems to me that if you can say what you just said you're worthier than you think.
Post a Comment
<< Home