The Other Side of the Story Part Two
On to resentments three and four: The thorny issue of when sex slacks off, and the way my wife from the outset made that my problem instead of our problem. And what's my part in that? Maybe there was an entirely different path for me to take through the whole thing. Like:
Accepting the natural cycles of more sex and less sex and not getting all damaged-male-ego about it in the first place.
Seeing the fact that we were having less sex as something that was happening in the relationship, rather than something that she was doing to the relationship.
Not making every gap between times of lovemaking a great big reenactment of my own youthful miseries and adolescent agonies.
Not making her the means by which I was proving to myself and to the imaginary jeering crowd in my head that I had put all that behind me.
Listening to her, sensing her, instead of expecting her to say the lines and carry out the actions I had written for her in the script in my head, a script for a drama played out for the benefit of that imaginary jeering crowd.
Learning to be in the moment at all times, whatever that moment might bring.
Acting from love instead of need.
On the upside of this one? I think I'm getting better at all of the above.
Accepting the natural cycles of more sex and less sex and not getting all damaged-male-ego about it in the first place.
Seeing the fact that we were having less sex as something that was happening in the relationship, rather than something that she was doing to the relationship.
Not making every gap between times of lovemaking a great big reenactment of my own youthful miseries and adolescent agonies.
Not making her the means by which I was proving to myself and to the imaginary jeering crowd in my head that I had put all that behind me.
Listening to her, sensing her, instead of expecting her to say the lines and carry out the actions I had written for her in the script in my head, a script for a drama played out for the benefit of that imaginary jeering crowd.
Learning to be in the moment at all times, whatever that moment might bring.
Acting from love instead of need.
On the upside of this one? I think I'm getting better at all of the above.
posted by Tom at 8:42 PM
3 Comments:
Tom, thank you so much for posting on my blog about my alcoholic pp. That person is actually my Mum. I moved away to have a life where I wasn't surrounded by it but I don't think that you can ever get away from it.
Al-anon sounds good. I didn't know there was help out there. I always thought that it didn't matter about me because I wasn't the one with the drinking problem but she has hurt me so much over the years that now I think I have issues with it. I don't have anyone to talk to about it because unless you have been there with someone who is an alcoholic then you just don't know.
Thanks again for being so very kind.
Catherine
Hi Tom,
Sorry for being so ignorant of Al-Anon, but do you use the Big Book as part of the Al-anon literature? Pages 60-63 describe the common thread I am detecting (and that you clearly point out with your analogies) in your fourth column. It sounds like your relationship with your wife suffers most when you, one of the actors, want to run the whole show.
I love reading those pages over and over because they help me remember how I was (and still very easily can be). They also include the Third Step prayer which I need so much - praying daily for relief from the "bondage of self."
Tom, my gut feeling about your fourth column posts is that you are getting closer to being honest but you aren't quite there yet. You seem to be skirting some of the most basic and unpleasant human characteristics that create resentment.
Maybe they are implied, but the two words I would most expect to see in a fourth column don't jump out at me.
Self-centered.
Afraid.
I don't know about your sponsor, but mine would call me on this and send me back to get more honest.
My opinion only - worth no more than you paid for it.
Hang in there and take care.
Flip
Flip,
Yes, the Big Book is very important to Al-Anon. Our Twelve Steps are exactly the same as yours except for one word--in Step 12 the word "alcoholics" becomes "others." And yes, my fourth step process comes from pages 60-63. I've left Column Three out of the blog, for reasons of cut-to-the-chase, and I think that's where you'd find the word "afraid" in heavy use. As for "self-centered": the word isn't stated because to me that's the condition that all the other words are detailing. I think I need to work that Third Step prayer a little harder.
Yours,
Tom
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