Yet More of the Other Side of the Story: MONEY
Before I move forward I have to finish up the Al-Anon 4th step--sorting out my side of the resentments I am carrying against my wife. This has been helpful so far but not helpful enough. Like we say in the program: progress not perfection. A terrific motto for all--but sometimes an invitation to laziness.
This one has to do with finances. I'm always giving her grief over expenditures. The thousand dollars she spent buying two straw hats that I covered in the linked-to earlier post is an unusually large example. Usually it's smaller things. Just this morning she said that IKEA has new slipcovers for the sofa in her office in a terrific sea-green color and I HAD to open my mouth and say "Not right now, okay?" which led to a fairly big blow up and the ultimate secret weapon being slung at me: HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU SPEND ON YOUR THERAPIST EVERY WEEK!? Low, low, low. Plus--as I made sure she knew--insurance covers a chunk of that.
Well, a small chunk.
Now to my side of this long-running story, which quite frankly began thirty years ago when she was my college girlfriend and we were living in our first apartment and each making about three dollars an hour on our summer jobs, and even then I was giving her grief about eating lunch out when there was food in the refrigerator. And it continues now when I am a working writer/director and she makes good money at her own job.
I don't have to dig far to find my side of this one. I'm a weird combination of wildly extravagant spender and cheap bastard. She buys a couple of crazy straw hats because it will make her happy to see her two guys--me and my son--wearing them. She buys extra slip covers. And flowers for friends who I think don't deserve them. And takes broke friends out to dinner, frequently. INCREDIBLY SMALL POTATOES next to what I've spent on my addiction to exotic travel in the last two years. Leaving specific numbers out of it, how would you weigh my Greece with daughter + Costa Rica with whole family + Chile and Easter Island with brother and mother + Biking in France with friends from grad school + three trips to New York--all in the last two years-- against her couple of hats, generally loose attitude toward cash and a few bouquets of maybe not indispensable fresh flowers?
I am awash in shame. As I should be.
What's happening here is a combination of monumental selfishness and self-indulgence on my part plus the OCD of hearing every report of a penny she spends as a sure sign that we will die poor and hungry and living on the street. All while I'm staring glassy-eyed at travel websites choosing which rainforest eco-resort we're visiting next like some gambling psycho in front of a slot machine in Vegas. The traveling thing is beyond our means, and I feel that I've finally been able to put the brakes to acting out that particular addiction. But I'm really bad with how I treat my wife in this regard. Why couldn't I keep my FUCKING MOUTH SHUT about the IKEA slip covers this morning? WHY!!!????
This one has to do with finances. I'm always giving her grief over expenditures. The thousand dollars she spent buying two straw hats that I covered in the linked-to earlier post is an unusually large example. Usually it's smaller things. Just this morning she said that IKEA has new slipcovers for the sofa in her office in a terrific sea-green color and I HAD to open my mouth and say "Not right now, okay?" which led to a fairly big blow up and the ultimate secret weapon being slung at me: HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU SPEND ON YOUR THERAPIST EVERY WEEK!? Low, low, low. Plus--as I made sure she knew--insurance covers a chunk of that.
Well, a small chunk.
Now to my side of this long-running story, which quite frankly began thirty years ago when she was my college girlfriend and we were living in our first apartment and each making about three dollars an hour on our summer jobs, and even then I was giving her grief about eating lunch out when there was food in the refrigerator. And it continues now when I am a working writer/director and she makes good money at her own job.
I don't have to dig far to find my side of this one. I'm a weird combination of wildly extravagant spender and cheap bastard. She buys a couple of crazy straw hats because it will make her happy to see her two guys--me and my son--wearing them. She buys extra slip covers. And flowers for friends who I think don't deserve them. And takes broke friends out to dinner, frequently. INCREDIBLY SMALL POTATOES next to what I've spent on my addiction to exotic travel in the last two years. Leaving specific numbers out of it, how would you weigh my Greece with daughter + Costa Rica with whole family + Chile and Easter Island with brother and mother + Biking in France with friends from grad school + three trips to New York--all in the last two years-- against her couple of hats, generally loose attitude toward cash and a few bouquets of maybe not indispensable fresh flowers?
I am awash in shame. As I should be.
What's happening here is a combination of monumental selfishness and self-indulgence on my part plus the OCD of hearing every report of a penny she spends as a sure sign that we will die poor and hungry and living on the street. All while I'm staring glassy-eyed at travel websites choosing which rainforest eco-resort we're visiting next like some gambling psycho in front of a slot machine in Vegas. The traveling thing is beyond our means, and I feel that I've finally been able to put the brakes to acting out that particular addiction. But I'm really bad with how I treat my wife in this regard. Why couldn't I keep my FUCKING MOUTH SHUT about the IKEA slip covers this morning? WHY!!!????
posted by Tom at 11:25 AM
3 Comments:
Wouldn't it be nice to have an off/on swtich for our mouth?
I hear recovery in your sharing of experience, strength, and hope. I too love the blessing of choice. Choosing to shut my mouth, calming the chaos, ending the confusion, and releasing the control.
Another blessing is dancing the Al-Anon waltz, Step 1,2,3; Step 1,2,3; Step...
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
And the wonderful awareness working the first section of steps brings into our lives. Although it is painful to look into our own behavior and own our part in the consequences, working through the shame and embarrassment is our path to recovery. It works, keep coming back. Smiles and sunshine blessings.
Tom, in my home, things like this are generally a matter of perspective, what is important to me is silly to him, and the things he thinks are worthwhile are silly to me. Next time there is $5 up for grabs I'm sure there will be a fuss here too lol
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