What the hell is wrong with me?
The network loves the movie. I had a terrific dinner with my agent yesterday talking about all sorts of new ventures and avenues. I had an especially wonderful and loving night with my wife last night. My kids are happy and working hard at their various endeavors. I left the house feeling good about the movie and about life, and was looking ahead to all the uncertainties of being in this business with a sense of excitement and expectation. Then a friend called to whom I hadn't spoken in many months. A talented (in fact Oscar-winning, for a short subject) director and writer. He just called to check in and to hear about my adventures on the movie. I was happy to hear from him as we see each other far too infrequently. But as he started talking about his various projects, and the pilot he is going off to Africa to shoot, and this star he is working with and that star he is working with, my state of mind started to crumble. I may not have shared this previously in the blog but I am a terribly jealous person. I fight it, I meditate on it, I pray to have it lifted from me, but there it is. I got to the cutting room a rather reduced version of the me that had left my house half an hour earlier.
Then I settled down with my editor to some little tweaks we wanted to make, and we were enjoying ourselves, and the phone rang and it was the word from the network that they loved our last set of changes and are enthusiastically sending the the cut off to their bosses in New York for the final sign-off. All good. All good. Just one proviso. They want the music to be more "contemporary." They feel the drama is all working very well and they want the music to play against that. They want more songs and source cues. They are okay with the classical music in the piece as it relates to the older classical-music-loving character. They just want the main character's cues more contemporary. More Gray's Anatomy. More ER. I was assured that the music person at the network is talented, filmmaker-friendly, lovely to work with and has flawless taste. So why am I all crumbled and panicky again? Panicky that I'll lose a couple of cues that are making people cry and working wonderfully. Panicky that I'll have a score I don't like. That they'll plaster some kind of horrible pop crap all over what I've done. Panicky that they'll take so long to schedule the music meeting we're going to have that my composer won't have time to do the score. And on and on and on. Yes, there's another level of uncertainty here, but also a lot of reason to believe it'll be fine. So why the insta-crumble on my part? What's the answer here? Depakote, the mood stabilizer that I've been prescribed and stopped taking? More therapy? What kind of therapy? Auggghhhhhhh!
I know what answer I'm going for right now: I'm getting back to work on my next script this very second.
(He said, wondering if that was really going to happen.)
Then I settled down with my editor to some little tweaks we wanted to make, and we were enjoying ourselves, and the phone rang and it was the word from the network that they loved our last set of changes and are enthusiastically sending the the cut off to their bosses in New York for the final sign-off. All good. All good. Just one proviso. They want the music to be more "contemporary." They feel the drama is all working very well and they want the music to play against that. They want more songs and source cues. They are okay with the classical music in the piece as it relates to the older classical-music-loving character. They just want the main character's cues more contemporary. More Gray's Anatomy. More ER. I was assured that the music person at the network is talented, filmmaker-friendly, lovely to work with and has flawless taste. So why am I all crumbled and panicky again? Panicky that I'll lose a couple of cues that are making people cry and working wonderfully. Panicky that I'll have a score I don't like. That they'll plaster some kind of horrible pop crap all over what I've done. Panicky that they'll take so long to schedule the music meeting we're going to have that my composer won't have time to do the score. And on and on and on. Yes, there's another level of uncertainty here, but also a lot of reason to believe it'll be fine. So why the insta-crumble on my part? What's the answer here? Depakote, the mood stabilizer that I've been prescribed and stopped taking? More therapy? What kind of therapy? Auggghhhhhhh!
I know what answer I'm going for right now: I'm getting back to work on my next script this very second.
(He said, wondering if that was really going to happen.)
posted by Tom at 12:18 PM
3 Comments:
Jealousy and envy can be real demons.
I know it sounds simple, but learning to appreciate what we have is the only thing that makes daily life enjoyable.
Aahh...but really, who are we without jealosy? Jealosy comes from that same place as joy and gratification, no? Some smart fella' said that in redemption evil becomes fuel. It does not disappear, but is transformed into something unrecognizable from its previous state or shape.
:)
Jason
It's not just you, we all fight these same demons on some level. The industry you are in is so very competetive and cut throat, and possibly some of the values are somewhat off base. It would be very difficult to keep a clear sense of self in that environment. I think you do good to manage it as well as you do. What's the answer? Who really knows....but acknowledgement and trying to control your feelings sounds like a real step in the right direction to me! Hang in there on the music...I am sure there is some that will make you happy and them too.
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