Holy Moly
Here we have two relatively obscure passages from the Bible:
Leviticus 11:7-- And the swine, because he parteth the hoof, and is cloven-footed, but cheweth not the cud, he is unclean to you.
Leviticus 11:12-- And all that have not fins and scales in the seas...ye shall not eat of their flesh.
Because of those passages, for reasons that involve a moment in my life at which I prayed fervently for something, and was granted it, and felt that I had to do something for God in return, I haven't eaten pork or shellfish for almost eight years.
And then we have:
Exodus 20:13--Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Number seven in the Ten Commanments! You can't get any less obscure than that!
So why is it that I wouldn't for any reason eat bacon or scallops but tonight, just now, I met a woman I met on line, who does not happen to be my wife, for drinks, in the sexiest bar that I could think of?
Part of the answer is here, under Resentment the Fourth.
Beyond that--?
A year ago a married cousin I'm close to told me he had met a woman on an adulterer's website and was having a wild affair with her. I was at that point in a particularly something's-gotta-change-here mode with my wife so I posted a profile on that website, which is exclusively for married people looking for married people to have adventures with. I got some responses (if I had lied about my age I would have gotten more), there were a few flirtatious emails back and forth, and then I decided I wanted to make it work at home and stopped checking the secret email account linked to that website. Last week I thought, hm, wonder about that email account. And what should I find but a handful of messages in the inbox, one of them posted, strangely, the day before I checked, from a smart and interesting woman who lives very nearby. So--a few more emails back and forth, and last week we agreed to meet for drinks.
Needless to say, during the week I formed a very clear picture of her in my head, and of what would happen on our date, and would slip into a pleasant erotic haze over it whenever I let myself.
When she walked into the bar my eyes went straight to her lips and I thought: when I look at my wife's lips I HAVE to kiss them. It just sweeps over me. And her lips? Kinda thin, to tell you the truth. Didn't bode well. We talked, we had drinks, we did so-why-are-you-here, we ended up kissing and it was--I don't know--it didn't go through me. Thirty three years I've been with my wife--from when I was a sophomore in college--and whatever the problems are in our bedroom--whatever I feel I'm not getting--when I kiss her it goes all through me like electricity. Not metaphorically: actually. And as we sat there after the kiss drinking our drinks I thought: Holy Moly, I'm in love with my wife. It's not just a word or a concept, it actually IS, and it goes way beyond the resentment I feel when we're kissing and I'm aching to touch her breasts and she pushes me away yet again, or the ridiculous fights over money, or any of the little day to day annoyances of life. It's bigger than all of that.
On the drive back from the sexy bar I kept thinking, with typical nattering self doubt, did I blow it? Should I have gone for more? Who cares about the thinness or thickness of lips? And then I got home and in the kitchen were five bags of dried Thai jackfruit from the Thai desserts place around the corner, our favorite crunchy snack food, and my wife asleep in the bed with the dog and the cats piled all over her feet, and I thought: what am I doing? Do I really want to have an affair or do I just think a man who isn't getting what I think I'm not getting at home should have an affair?
Am I being guided by love here, or by fear? How can I tell the difference?
Maybe the answer to that is what I'm looking for.
Though as a very smart therapist/philosopher I've been reading says:
Leviticus 11:7-- And the swine, because he parteth the hoof, and is cloven-footed, but cheweth not the cud, he is unclean to you.
Leviticus 11:12-- And all that have not fins and scales in the seas...ye shall not eat of their flesh.
Because of those passages, for reasons that involve a moment in my life at which I prayed fervently for something, and was granted it, and felt that I had to do something for God in return, I haven't eaten pork or shellfish for almost eight years.
And then we have:
Exodus 20:13--Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Number seven in the Ten Commanments! You can't get any less obscure than that!
So why is it that I wouldn't for any reason eat bacon or scallops but tonight, just now, I met a woman I met on line, who does not happen to be my wife, for drinks, in the sexiest bar that I could think of?
Part of the answer is here, under Resentment the Fourth.
Beyond that--?
A year ago a married cousin I'm close to told me he had met a woman on an adulterer's website and was having a wild affair with her. I was at that point in a particularly something's-gotta-change-here mode with my wife so I posted a profile on that website, which is exclusively for married people looking for married people to have adventures with. I got some responses (if I had lied about my age I would have gotten more), there were a few flirtatious emails back and forth, and then I decided I wanted to make it work at home and stopped checking the secret email account linked to that website. Last week I thought, hm, wonder about that email account. And what should I find but a handful of messages in the inbox, one of them posted, strangely, the day before I checked, from a smart and interesting woman who lives very nearby. So--a few more emails back and forth, and last week we agreed to meet for drinks.
Needless to say, during the week I formed a very clear picture of her in my head, and of what would happen on our date, and would slip into a pleasant erotic haze over it whenever I let myself.
When she walked into the bar my eyes went straight to her lips and I thought: when I look at my wife's lips I HAVE to kiss them. It just sweeps over me. And her lips? Kinda thin, to tell you the truth. Didn't bode well. We talked, we had drinks, we did so-why-are-you-here, we ended up kissing and it was--I don't know--it didn't go through me. Thirty three years I've been with my wife--from when I was a sophomore in college--and whatever the problems are in our bedroom--whatever I feel I'm not getting--when I kiss her it goes all through me like electricity. Not metaphorically: actually. And as we sat there after the kiss drinking our drinks I thought: Holy Moly, I'm in love with my wife. It's not just a word or a concept, it actually IS, and it goes way beyond the resentment I feel when we're kissing and I'm aching to touch her breasts and she pushes me away yet again, or the ridiculous fights over money, or any of the little day to day annoyances of life. It's bigger than all of that.
On the drive back from the sexy bar I kept thinking, with typical nattering self doubt, did I blow it? Should I have gone for more? Who cares about the thinness or thickness of lips? And then I got home and in the kitchen were five bags of dried Thai jackfruit from the Thai desserts place around the corner, our favorite crunchy snack food, and my wife asleep in the bed with the dog and the cats piled all over her feet, and I thought: what am I doing? Do I really want to have an affair or do I just think a man who isn't getting what I think I'm not getting at home should have an affair?
Am I being guided by love here, or by fear? How can I tell the difference?
Maybe the answer to that is what I'm looking for.
Though as a very smart therapist/philosopher I've been reading says:
There are no answers, only choices.
posted by Tom at 10:38 PM
4 Comments:
I may have a more profound comment later, but for now all I can say is that I feel relief for you for not having let the genie out of the bottle. Trust me when I say it is really hard to coax him back in once he's tasted...um...freedom.
I hope that where I am now is not the opposite of freedom. In my best moments it sure doesn't feel that way. But I know what you mean, and I'm looking forward to the further profundity.
I can relate to this, SOOOOOOO MUCH.
Affairs are easy to get into, yet difficult to end. Glad you made the right choice.
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